Well, it’s been a few minutes of writing this blog post and within those few minutes of typing,  I’ve gone from sharing how nobody cares or thinks about you as much as you think they do, transitioned to how I am not nearly intelligent enough to participate in all of the coffee shop conversations happening around me, and segued into a rant about how it’s taking everything within me to not go next door to get a giant pretzel with cheese to process through my latest therapy session. Needless to say, focus isn’t flowing in the same direction today. What you should take from this is: I am going next door to get the pretzel and while you may think my first statement about others not thinking about you as much as you think they do is harsh, it’s true and it’s also very freeing if you tap into it. 

Let’s not mistake my words as: nobody loves you or cares about you. I am 99.99% that isn’t true. BUT. Do take my words as the thought that you’re putting into your daily outfit, the decision you’re about to make about your job move, or if the pillows on your couch should be green or blue, nobody finds it as big of a deal as you do. Do with that what you wish [go naked, take the job offer, and green, choose green], but maybe ask yourself what you would do differently right now if you weren’t doing it for the sake of what you think others will think because while they may think about it for approximately 2 seconds, it won’t go much further beyond that until they are back to deciding what colors THEIR pillows should be. That was a lot of using the word “think”. Let’s move on.

Blame the coffee shop environment for the deepness. It’s a side effect of others talking about religion, culture, parenting, job satisfaction, and other verbiage I don’t understand. 

Another big thing on my mind – children. This comes in phases where it’s more on my mind than others, but something about turning 36 in a couple of months is bringing a newfound pressure of time that up until this point, I really didn’t feel or think about. For the past 15 years of marriage, I’ve enjoyed living in the gray space – the space where it felt like freedom existed to not feel like I had to lean one way or another. But every month that creeps by, I’m starting to feel this question pop up in my head “at what point does the gray move to black and white – a yes or no, this way or that way?” type of situation. Something is telling me that at a certain point, the decision will be made without actively giving it a voice and naming the choice intentionally. That is my fear friends, that time will keep passing by and one morning I will wake up and think “WHY DIDN’T I DO THIS?” which is a new type of fear for me. And then on the other side of that, the stream of fears [or maybe to more properly name it, the stream of freedoms I currently experience and feel in my life] that I just can’t freaking decide if I want to change or not. Call me selfish [it’s okay, I call myself this as well], but I really like deciding today that I’m going out of town tomorrow for a concert. I also really like quiet and peace and sleep. Oh my gosh, I love sleep. And I’ve loved almost 36 years of this and every month that creeps by I love these things more. And now you understand the predicament. Ultimately I know I need to take this to the Lord, but I’m doing what I like to do with most things and keeping them under “my control” because that feels safer and a heck of a lot more complicated and messy which I must have a soft spot for [insert the eye covered monkey emoji here]. 

Certainly, somebody reading this understands and gets exactly what I mean. I need you in my life. I feel like a support group for “women who think they want children but also aren’t convinced they want children and are approaching an age where they are getting more tired and stiff when they sit for more than 5 minutes but also can be really fun with young humans and attempts to do splits to show off their youthfulness but then regrets that decision 2 minutes later” seems necessary. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. 

SO ANYHOW. 

About that pretzel.